I am writing this in hopes that you will never lay your eyes upon these words. I’ve spent many days- months even- wondering what the right words to say to you might be. Should I be brutally honest, admitting my deepest, truest feelings for you? Should I play it all off lightly, pretending that you were simply just a passing a stranger? Should I pretend you were a tiny moment, leaving little to remember throughout my lifetime? I could never quite decide, so forgive me if I continue to ramble on with no end.
I can remember the first afternoon we met and the days following filled up with so much time with you. The attraction was obvious to the world; there has always been something between us since then. Your feelings weren’t reciprocated for long, however. My silence became lackluster in your eyes. You never knew how nervous you made me- how my hands would shake and my heart beat would speed up to where I feared for the blood in my veins. Instead, you felt I was dull and empty, leaving little for you to want to discover. We were once intensely intertwined, but we fell short in the end.
My heart still aches when I think of your betrayal. I cannot blame you for going after what your heart thought it wanted, but my naivety couldn’t grasp the fact that maybe you were not the one for me. You were my first of many things, I should have known better than to think you would be the last. I was a young, innocent girl, but you must know that breaking such a heart will only make one turn to bitterness. Though I can remember our first day together in vivid details, I can barely remember our last. It was sudden and unexpected. Like most things in life, we only focus on the good rather than the bad, so I try to remember how you first made me felt during those first memorable moments.
So here I am, five years later, looking back on the mess we have tangled ourselves into. I once was a girl who swooned at the thought of finding myself in your arms, but now I am a woman, scarred from the past, refusing to go back.
I may never feel this way again. The cold air hits me hard and my lips are shivering, though the rest of me is frozen. I see you to my left, quiet, but your presence is strong. You are smoking your cigarette, trying your best to keep the smoke from hitting me; you never realized that the disgusting smell could make my heart melt, reminding me of you. Am I wrong to love parts of you that I would hate in any other being? I just see you as more than any other being. As I watch you from the corner of my eye, huffing and puffing your toxic air, I long for your presence- ache for it, even. As you put your finished cigarette out on the cold, hard ground, I know it is time to face what we’ve been avoiding all night. Your tender, icicle hands find their way to my face and I know I’ll never want to let go. As your lips part to speak everything you’ve been holding back, too afraid to say, I know that I may never feel this way again.
The air, so hot against your skin, is suffocating. You always thought that California was where you were meant to be, but you were never really prepared for what the land had to offer. Brown landscapes, hot winters, materialistic people. As you lay in your underwear on your bed, you begin to wonder why you are still there. The apartment only seems to get smaller by the day and the man laying next to you seems to become more of a stranger day by day. Whatever happened to the man you once loved? Whatever happened to your California dreams of living happily ever after? You’re dying to make a change, to get up and go, but his presence while he sleeps always pulls at your heartstrings. If you leave someone you love, does that mean you never really loved them at all? Well, maybe you never really loved him at all, but you never quite loved yourself either.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
The temptation is enough to break any man, but somehow you seem all the more vulnerable. One drip of alcohol and your lips are hooked. You want more. You need more. No matter what else is in front of you, you will always choose the bottle. You refused to feel love and kindness because nothing is better than the feeling of a buzz.
Once your eyes glaze over, you feel like you’re alright. All the problems seem to fade and you feel as though nothing can bring you down. You laugh and cheer until you reach the bottom of the bottle, then the world comes crashing down, just as you left it. Instead of picking up the pieces, you are searching for another bottle to replace the last five.
I wonder if you will slow down once you’ve had enough; I wonder if there ever will be enough. Once sobriety hits, you wonder why you wake up alone, just for a split second, before the pounding in your head takes over whatever consciousness you have left in you. Sleep is your savior, it is the only time where you can dream of fantastic things; the only time anything seems to go right.
It’s time to wake up, my love. The sun is already going down and you are on the track to go right down with it. Instead of a hand to hold and a good soul to help you get through this addiction, you’d rather sulk and drown in it. You’re going down with the bottle, going down with the ship. I wish I could leave you with a shred of dignity, but you wouldn’t really be there to see.
Some people never change. The face is still so handsome and the words so charming, it feels as though no time has passed. The years that stood between us now feels like mere seconds and I am caught back in your arms like I used to love to be. You could make my heart skip a beat; you could make my heart beat a thousands times a minute. I close my eyes and it is like we are back just where we used to be.
But what good is this feeling if we never progressed? I have so many things to ask you, but I can’t seem to open my mouth and set them free. Where did you go? Who were you kissing? What took you so long to come back? My mind is racing between these thoughts and thoughts of what the future will have in store for us.
These thoughts of a future and what love could bring are a bit naive, aren’t they? To think that you won’t leave me so easily again… to assume that this time I will be enough. I can see that I am still such a fool for you; easily believing whatever sweet lies you tell me. It is true, some people never change. Not you. Not I.
Good morning, stranger. I know it is cliche to say that you look beautiful while you sleep, but have you seen yourself? Even with a little snoring here and there, I still find myself adoring you. Falling comfortably in your arms these past few nights has given me the best slumber of my life. I don’t even need a cup of coffee to get me through the day, but I think I will have one nonetheless, just to make this perfect morning just a little bit sweeter.
How do you know when to call it quits? When do you put your weapons down and surrender? I need to wave my white flag, but my body is frozen in this moment. The chill down my spine isn’t the one that once used to excite me, but rather it stills my heart, because I know we are over. Done. Finished. We will never go back to how we were and I don’t know how to move forward because I feel so stuck in the past.
The clock is no longer ticking and as I look at you, I know that there is nothing. That realization alone is enough to break my heart alone. It is crumbling into tiny pieces and soon it will turn to dust. I always loved the fairy tales I was told as a young girl, but never did they tell me how a love could turn so sour.
I wasn’t prepared for love, nor am I prepared for the ending; it is no happy ending.
Do you ever wonder how we got here? Life is a funny thing, really. We started off at strangers and found ourselves in something more. I barely knew your name and now I know almost everything; your dirty little secrets and all the things that scare you. I wouldn’t trade our time together for the world, but here we are, finding ourselves dissipating into a world of nothingness. I look at you and still, my heart smiles.
We may not know what caused this change or why the universe seems to be against us, but if there is one thing we do know, is that the love we share is undeniable and will withstand the end of the world, even though it changes shape and form. There may not be anymore late nights laying naked intertwined together, but we won’t ever find ourselves holding anything back. I am you and you are me; perhaps this is how it will always be.
There is nothing more heartbreaking than losing your soul mate, but I think we got lucky. We have each other and though we may not be in love forever, all our heartstrings are bound together through thick and thin. I’ll hold your hand through all your troubles and you will lend me your shoulder when someone new breaks my heart.
You are my first love, my one true love, but we have evolved into something greater than we ever thought our love could let us be.
It is such a tease to be in the same room as you, but being unable to touch you. My lips keep turning into a smile and I am shy, wondering who in the room could see. We talk of many things, life and all of its philosophies, but my eyes are drawn straight to you. I want to touch you; kiss you all over and pull you into me. Your skin is so soft and begging to be touched. By the end of the night you will be mine, all mine. We will explore every inch of one another and keep each other warm all through the night, until the sun creeps up. The minutes keep passing by so slowly and my bones are growing impatient, waiting for everyone to leave. But with just another glance at you, I know that I will wait as long as I need to so I can lay naked right beside you.
Don’t get too close because there won’t be any turning back. I don’t want to let you in because I want what is best for you and I am the last thing you need, my love. Your skinny limbs always find their way around me, tangling me up in your love and passion, but you need to release me. Let me go. I am only here to hurt you and I can’t be the one to keep you safe anymore.
I know that I am to blame; I am the one who confessed my love and promised all the things I knew I could never keep. No matter if I have good intentions, I will only let you down. My body and soul are meant to flow with the wind, to find their way around every corner of the world, not to be tied down to the one who needs me most. I can tell in your eyes that you don’t want me to go… that you would prefer I stay here, entangled in you forever, but don’t you see that you can never really have me?
You cannot tie down something that is meant to be in the wild. I cannot change my nature and you cannot change your skin to make me believe that you are the one I am meant to stay with. I don’t believe in settling and even though I know we are fond of one another, I know that I will never be happy with you. Your love will not leave me fulfilled and my half-assed love will not give you pleasure.
Set me free, my dear, before I burn you to the ground.
You scent still lingers on my skin; old whiskey and cigarettes. These smells that I would usually despise, but as I close my eyes I feel as though you are still around. How I wish your fingertips were still finding their way around every curve of my body; how I hope there will bruises left behind to remind me of each passionate and violent touch. Each moment passed too quickly for my liking; I would’ve preferred the night to last for all eternity.
No lips have ever made my bones quiver as yours did. Your tongue exploring all that it desired and my own doing just the same. Oh, how I could have stayed in that bed forever. The sun crept up as we settled down to rest, announcing that the night is over and we have more important things to do. More important, more draining. I want to lay here just a minute more and feel the warmth of your skin against my own; give me something to remember throughout the day until the night welcomes us both again.